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Lacking Vision
By Erica | July 4, 2010
If you’ve been reading my posts for awhile (love ya!), you’ve probably noticed that I will post about just about anything. From fashion, to what’s going on in my love life, to my own personal struggles with body/anxiety/depression drama, I don’t really limit myself here. I’ve never really been one to place creative restrictions on myself. I used to love just sitting down at the keyboard with absolutely no clue and letting the magic flow naturally.
But lately, I’ve been too scatterbrained, creatively, professionally & personally, for even my own taste. Since graduation, I’ve been a bit of a nomad–physically & emotionally. I’ve been calling two places “home.” I’ve made (& broken!) plans to move across the state and across the country (SF…I still love you). I’ve turned down three different job offers in three different cities.
I’ve imagined myself in a million varying scenarios, being a million different people, blossoming into a new character in every fresh setting.
Basically, I’m lost. There. I said it.
The way I use this blog (aka as a dumping ground for my brain) is exactly the way I’m living my life. Without a real purpose, goal or direction. Without a vision.
I used to know exactly what I wanted, all the time. I knew I wanted to go to school for writing, move to California (palm trees in the front yard–a must!), marry someone dark, tall, handsome & creative and write books for teenage girls that would simultaneously inspire and soothe their crazy hearts. Easy as pie. My dreams were plotted in my mind like a simple road map. All I had to do was motivate myself enough to get from Point A (Ohio) to Point B (California). All I had to do was grow from teenager-who-writes-angsty-poetry to creative-writing-student-turned-millionaire-book-author-with-hot-husband.
Oh, how naive I was.
Things really don’t happen as you plan them. But what exactly are you supposed to do when this notion bitch slaps you in the face like a tan girl with a martini & a bad weave? How do you pick up the pieces of “The Dream” & start over? How do you recapture the essence of the you-now and turn it into a NEW dream, much more suitable to the person you are today?
I don’t really know. What I do know is that I’m going to–have to–try.
So, I guess just by writing this I’ve given this blog a purpose. And this might be a stretch–but I could even say that finding my purpose–my vision–IS my purpose right now.
Maybe by closing all those other doors, all those doors I thought were made for me since I was young, I’ve actually indirectly given myself permission to explore new options. Maybe, by not following through on some of those childhood dreams, I’ve opened myself up to discovering my adult dreams.
Although I do apologize for a lack of “theme” here, I don’t think that I’m really fit to decide on one subject right now. I’m diving into my own psyche right now to discover what it is that real-life-grown-up-Erica really wants. I think this blog is basically a narrative of the journey of rediscovering myself (or really, discovering my REAL self for the very first time). I think anyone who has suffered from depression, anxiety or any other mental illness can vouch for this: The illness becomes your identity. And when you move away from the illness, sometimes you can be left feeling a little empty. Suddenly, there’s all this extra room in your heart (where hate, self-loathing, annoyance, fatigue, stress & other soul-numbing stuff used to reside) that you need to fill up with something.
I think this blog is a way for me to discover what fills me up, for the very first time.
All I can say is this: Thanks so much for sticking around, kittens.
xoxo erica lee
Topics: Inspiration, Lifestyle | 5 Comments »
July 4th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
This is AWESOME, Erica. Are you familiar with what happens to a caterpillar when it becomes a butterfly? It doesn’t just go into the cocoon and sprout wings. The caterpillar actually dissolves into what my beloved Martha Beck calls “DNA soup”. This complete dissolving of the old identity has to happen in order for the butterfly to emerge. So, it sound like you’re in the soup stage. I’ve SO been there, and will be there again, because that’s just part of life. It’s a confusing, uncomfortable phase, but totally neccessary. It’s a great time to hunker down and invest in some serious self care. Before you know it, you’ll be done with being soupy and your new, fabulous path will be clear to you. What’s ahead of you is so fabulous that those teenage dreams pale in comparison.
Love, love, love,
Joy
July 5th, 2010 at 6:31 pm
It took me a long time to discover what I wanted to use my blog for. I think I know now, now I’m just trying to get the words right… Give it time, in the meantime I’ll still enjoy what you have to say!
July 6th, 2010 at 10:39 am
And all I can say is… GOOD LUCK ERICA!!!
July 6th, 2010 at 4:34 pm
I can’t even tell you how amazing all three of you are. All of these comments made my heart melt :) Right now it’s really hard to be upset about absolutely anything–the support I see I already have here is amazing..& enough reason to keep me blogging! Yay! ;)
July 11th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
[...] week, I had a blogging breakdown. I was exhausted of writing. I was feeling uninspired, directionless & just plain over it. I couldn’t really pinpoint why I started this blog in the first [...]