Are You Being Codependent in Your Business?

by | Sep 7, 2013 | Business Design, Copylicious

zeitgeist photography

Truth: I’m an adult child of an alcoholic.

A grandchild of an alcoholic.

I’m also an ex-girlfriend, ex-fiance & ex-BFF of alcoholics.

Needless to say, I know a lot about codependency. Clearly it runs pretty deep in my blood. I spent a lot of years just thinking I was a bat shit crazy, overly emotional lunatic (and well, part of that may still be true). Honestly, I had no clue that my life & family were dysfunctional. But when I started to learn about codependency, wow. It was like all my issues finally made sense.

I wasn’t crazy. I was codependent.

Since codependents grow up in dysfunction, they (like all good, adaptable humans) develop habits that allow them to survive (read: stay sane) in an otherwise insane environment. It becomes a style of relating to oneself, and to others.

Codependents become caretakers; people who get a buzz from helping others – to the point of detriment to themselves.

Codependents find it hard to have real, true intimate relationships. Truth be told, we’re terrified of intimacy, but we’ll do anything we can to stay in relationships, even if they’re terrible for us. (Case in point: I once stayed the night with a semi-boyfriend after he told me I had a face only a mother could love, and suggested I wear a paper bag over my head next time we did it. I kid you not. In retrospect it both makes me laugh hysterically & want to puke at the same time.)

Codependents get their sense of self worth from the outside. From praise. From being “needed.” From helping. From being the one who is always there, always available. The one who will do anything for you at the drop of a fedora.

That stuff makes us feel important. Treasured. Alive.

Sadly though, outside of others, most codependents have no clue who they are. And we know it, too. We feel it at our core. When you’re deep in the throes of codependency, there’s an air of emptiness in your heart that nobody who hasn’t experienced it can truly fathom.

Codependents literally feel worthless & invisible if we don’t have someone to be codependent on, or the person we are codependent on moves on. I’d equate the feeling to losing a limb, or maybe worse. (I wouldn’t know. At the time of this post, I still currently have all of my appendages.)

By now you’re probably wondering WTF this has to do with business.

Well, my theory is that it’s not only possible to be codependent in our personal lives. Codependency can easily creep into our work as well.

….Especially if the work we do involves helping others (and whose work doesn’t?)

It’s not just crazy codependents like me who can find themselves tied up in codependent business relationships, or behaving in codependent ways.

For example:

+ Do you ever feel like you’re working IN your business ALL THE TIME, neglecting working ON your business? (Translation: You’re spending more time on clients projects – making their dreams come true – than on your own)

+ Are you addicted to praise? Do you feel high-as-a-kite if your blog post is well-received, and down in the dumps if you’re criticized (even if it’s constructive)?

+ Do you get a rush when you’re helping clients, but quickly forget as soon as the moment passes, searching listlessly for someone else who you can help? Like, can you seriously NOT HANDLE BEING WITHOUT CLIENTS for a day, or a week? Does it make you freak out if there’s not a constant stream of prospects flowing through your inbox?

+ And perhaps most importantly: Are you pouring way more love (not to mention time & money) into your mutual projects than your clients are? And is it making you resentful?

While it’s important to always strive to do your best – it is NOT your responsibility to help people who don’t truly want help. (Thank you for that one, Al-Anon.)

We can’t blame other people if WE’RE showing up more than they are. Sometimes other people think they’re ready to make changes, or get clear on things, or move forward…but when push comes to shove, they’re just NOT.

YOU can’t do anything about it.

The only thing you CAN – and SHOULD – do, is TAKE CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS FIRST.

(And I mean that on both a personal and profesh level.)

Now.

I only share because I don’t think you have to be a tried-and-true, life long codependent like me to have some of these issues crop up.

What works in real relationships AND IN BUSINESS is INTERDEPENDENT relationships.  Interdependence is, simply, reciprocity. It means there’s a natural flow and balance to the relationship in question. It means everybody holds up their end of the bargain. It means both partners keep their side of the street clean – deal with their own ish, on their own time – so they can come together & create beautiful things together.

Or, in relation to business, healthy interdependence means you’re NOT lavishing on everybody else and neglecting yourself.

I know better than most that if you keep tending to everybody else’s garden & ignore your own, you’ll NEVER feel like you’re “doing it right,” no matter HOW many others you’re helping on the daily.

You need to feed, water & occasionally send your biz to the beauty shop BEFORE you can even think about supporting someone else. Putting your own biz at the bottom of your To-Do list is a recipe for disaster. (And word on the street is, that ish is NOT very palatable.)

You know how airline stewardesses tell you you MUST (in very serious voices) secure your own oxygen mask BEFORE helping others? Yes. It’s like that. You’re NOT gonna function at your best in your biz if you’re gasping for air all the time.

Next time you’re feeling burnt out, realize you haven’t showered in three days or simply feel like something is “BLAH” – I encourage you to take a step back & examine your OWN business.

Be honest.

Have you been tending to it?

If not, no biggie.

“Recovering” from relationship codependency is just a matter of learning to love & accept ourselves, no matter what. It also means investigating our dark spots & illuminating ’em.

….And usually it includes lots of mani-pedis, Swedish massages & totally frivolous trips to Forever 21.

Believe it or not, recovery from business codependency can be fun. (And it’s definitely cathartic.) Because it’s all about returning your attention to yourself.

Here are a few things you can do to “recover” from business codependency:

1. Take a freakin’ break.

Sometimes that’s all we really need. Codependency in business is surely linked to at least a little bit of codependency/self-care issues IRL. So please. Stop. Get up. Back away from the Internet. Go climb a mountain or  see a friend or do absolutely nothing but watch trashy reality TV. Do whatever it is that makes you feel good, and replenishes your soul.

2. Update your website & social media to keep your branding cohesive across all channels.

Believe it or not, I’ve learned it’s not the big things that make us feel awesome. It’s the details that make us feel polished & put-together. I know you’ve been planning to link your Twitter & Facebook updates for weeks, so DO IT. Seriously. Now.

 

3. Post some of your own, unique content to your blog or Facebook page.

Your content is important. Just as important as the stuff you create for clients.

4. Clean up your systems.

Take 15 minutes to do the pesky back-ends things have been piling up all week/month/year. Getting them off your plate will feel amazing, and free up lots of space in your already cramped brain.

5. Book a 15-minute chat with me,

I’ll review a page of your copy for FREE. You know, the one you’ve been afraid to look at or really dig into because you know it’s just all over the freakin’ place.

6. Re-evaluate how you spend your time – and who you spend it with.

A huge part of recovering from codependency is learning to squeeze in time for ourselves. Actually, it’s more about making time for ourselves the non-negotiable, and “time for other people” worked in AROUND that. We’re also encouraged to weed out the negative, energy-suckers – both activities AND people. In biz terms, this means taking a SERIOUS look at how you spend your days, and structuring them around YOUR BUSINESS first. Not client work. Not tinkering away on Facebook. NOPE. Work on the stuff that’s gonna bring in the bacon first – your OWN business.

7. Create boundaries.

Boundaries are another MAJOR area most codependents struggle with. You need ’em in your business, too. Decide exactly what you will and won’t tolerate. Decide exactly when you will and won’t respond to client emails. Then, let people know – and stick to them. That last part is key. Boundaries aren’t real unless they’re enforced.

Can you think of any other ways to quit the codependency habit in your business? Share them in the comments!

 

Here’s to taking care of business (better)!

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why it’s okay to wear pants all day (or, love your 9-5 without shame!)

by | Aug 19, 2012 | Business Design

fact: if it wasn’t for my corporate job i wouldn’t be writing this.

it’s true: the very thing most of us sparkling entrepreneurial spirits are hustlin’ (everyday) to get away from is actually what has driven me back to my business, ready to rock n’ roll n’ make it rain with the best of ’em.

why, you ask? well, it’s actually quite scientific. true story: i have some pretty debilitating anxiety. + i’m not just a normal “worry wart” – i’m talking the real deal.  that said, my anxiety was at its peak right before landing said corporate job. + the way i was living then – as in, spending day after day at home, clutching to my macbook for dear life because not only was it my only connection to many of my closest friends who are now sprinkled across the states, but also because it was also the only way i could possibly make money – was not exactly good for the self esteem. at that time, i couldn’t have possibly felt that i was “good” or “smart” or “knowledgeable” enough to write for you.

for the few months before i waltzed (okay, okay, more like cowered-and-tried-to-avoid-eye-contact) into my new office, i felt a lot like a little flippety-floppity fish out of water, floundering around without a clue as to what i really wanted from my life, let alone my business.


but in a strange, weird little way, 40-hours a week in a cubicle has given me the (tiny bit of) stability and motivation i needed to pursue my other creative dreams.

 

yep – i wholeheartedly believe that without the snazzy corporate gig,  i’d still be crying into my lap every evening, questioning my every move + cursing every time a bill came through the door (and subsequently, yelling obscenities in the direction of my unassuming boyfriend.) i spent months clutching to my freelancedom – the glitz! the glamour! the working-in-my-underwear! – even though i was clearly unhappy spending everyday holed up in the house & barely making ends meet.

so, yes… the. corporate. job. has. saved. me.

and the logic behind it is actually quite simple.

say hello to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, kids.

according to Maslow’s  (very famous) hierarchy, the lowest tier includes physiological needs like food, water, sex sleep and, y’know, the ability to take a good ole’ #2 when need be – and it’s only after one tier of needs is met that we can move on to securing the next tier.

below, you’ll see that not knowing where your next meal is coming from and not having a secure place of employment, are detriments to higher-level needs like creativity and self actualization.

big takeaway here:

you can’t be wild without first being safe, y’all.

so. that corporate gig? it’s been good for three reasons:

one- everybody’s gotta eat. and let’s just say, when you’re spending 50 hours or so a week perusing even the lowest paying “content creation” sites to earn even $5…which we all sadly know will only go toward your next latte…which will only continue to fuel you to comb through the droves of low-paying clients…well, that whole creativity thing? fuhgeddaboutit!

real talk: knowing that i can enjoy my simple dinner/snack of hummus & pita without regrets? so freakin’ important.

two – my job is actually related to what i want to do! i’m a copywriter at work + a copywriter at home. but despite the same name, i’ve learned an in-house corporate copywriter is a teensy bit different than a freelance, out-of-house copywriter, in about as many ways as you could possible imagine (most of which involve having to adhere to someone else’s rules all day long.  like, you know, wearing pants.) but i’m also learning crazy amounts about what it means to be a corporate-style “copywriter” – and even more about how this particular corp. gets ish done.

and let’s be real. corporations do get ish done.

three –  i’ve been lucky enough to forge some really fascinating friendships – with the other freelancers. i didn’t consciously seek out the wild wonders, but apparently birds of a freelance feather flock together – even in the cubical-happy corporate world! just from hanging out with more of my “own kind” on the reg – despite, or maybe due to the stuffy corporate setting – i’ve learned oodles about how other freelancers work. aaaand i’ve also booked myself a pro bono headshot photo shoot. (c’mon. there’s really only so much instagram can do for a girl’s face, ya dig?)

but it’s not just the free photo shoots and super delicious breakfast-which-turns-into-salad bar.

 ironically enough, the stability my corporate job has provided me has enabled me to explore the creative(r), wild(er) parts of me elsewhere. like here. and in other freelance projects.

and i know, i know: “loving” a 9-5  or appreciating it in the interim before your creative biz really takes off is totes taboo.

but i want you to know…

+ if you want to sit inside a cubicle for 8 hours a day to get your financial ducks in a row – you have every right
+ if you can’t fathom a day without health insurance bennies – you’re not alone
+ if you’re just the kind of person who needs some sort of stability to feel “okay” and “safe” – it’s just science, baby!

as for me – my time in the corporate world is limited.

this is only a temporary gig. a few months down the line and i’ll be back to full-on freelance machine, plugging away from her laptop in bed and most likely in hello kitty underwear, bowl of cereal on the bedside table. except now i’ll have quite a few novel ideas about how to land + keep clients, some sexy new, instagram-free head shots + a few extra (absolutely wild + fun) contacts in my (for the moment, imaginary) rolodex.

but to anybody who feels weird or icky or like they’re “selling out”  for actually being quite in lust with your cushy little 9-5, to that i say:

we’re all different, and what works for you doesn’t have to work for anybody else.
no. seriously. write that down or something.
what works for you doesn’t have to work for anybody else.

and you will get there – whether ‘there’ is the sexy corner office or your own location-free creative business that enables you to chuck over half your earnings to charity – in your own time.

and you’ll get there in your own way.

…with or without pants.